Nothing makes me want “range time” as much as food selfies! The crack of the rifle or pistol, the hole in the target in which I have mentally placed their meal (or worse) on the target. The daydream that the shattered remains covers the twisted poster from head to toe with the remnants of their burrito, pizza, salad, shell fish or dead horse on a skewer! These are a few of my favorite things!
And what is the true root of food selfies? Communism. Proletariat propaganda at its core! Every food selfie screams “YOUR LIFE SUCKS!” It seduces you to come to the “dark side” of overindulgence, it drives home that YOUR dinner table is a wasteland of ingredients barely ahead of their expiration date and millimeters from becoming a toxic mix that will have you calling Ralph on the porcelain phone for the remainder of the night!
The only real question to answer here is what gun for what food?
Let’s start with “salad”, which in my book is ANYTHING edible on some lettuce leaves. A scoop of ice cream, on some lettuce leaves, is a salad! So is a 20 oz. Porterhouse, a donut, a candy bar, Skittles, a dead fish and on and on! And salads are easy – shotguns and buckshot are the right choice. But what calibers? And please, get past the 20-gauge vs the 12-gauge as so many salads deserve so much more. Add kale or quinoa to a salad and now you are talking the 40mm anti-personnel round of an M-79 Grenade launcher minimum! AND, if it is one of those “family style dining” (or Claim Jumper) restaurants, then we need to consider the Beehive rounds available for the towed M114 155mm howitzer as the minimum. Slow motion cameras and a sympathetic Range Master are always good accompaniments. THIS I would watch on YouTube!
Next on the list are the burritos since size seems to matter more than contents, and BTW, if it is a picture of a burrito made anywhere other than Mexico, California, Arizona, New Mexico or Texas well, you are just wasting everyone’s time. For these we need the larger caliber, higher speeds of FMJ rounds at distance or the frangible rounds, since the contents were already ruined by the picture.
As the title, clearly states, food selfies are a Communist plot to drive a wedge between economic and gastric classes so the disinformation campaigns of the evil left can further penetrate the mush that is the media-fed American brain. Take a stand and respond to the next food selfie you get with “Your thighs so DON’T need that!” or “A minute on the lips a lifetime on the hips!” If nothing else, this should cut down on the amount of food selfies assaulting you, and maybe your lame-friend followings, a bonus effect, and then maybe, just maybe, sink in to the poster that their life needs a reboot at a higher IQ level!